I read another article today trying to make me cry. It reminded me that every day my children get older. And that one day they will leave me. One day I will be alone. One day my life will have no meaning. One day I will have no babies and I should wallow in sorrow.
I don’t need another person to remind me that once the snuggles are gone they are gone. That once the diapers and spit up and baby coos and teeny tiny clothes are gone they are never coming back. I don’t need to cry every day because my children are growing. It’s what they do. It’s how God planned it. “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife”. It’s life. I grew up. My parents grew up. My grandparents grew up. We cannot stop the process. We can only relish in the moments as they come. As much as I have wanted to stop time and snuggle those little miracles forever, I also would not have given up the other moments - first steps, first time I heard “I love you”, wrestling matches, and running races. Each stage is a gift from God. Am I sad when a stage is over? Of course. But would I stop time and miss the things yet to come? No. I will enjoy today and the moments I have been given. And yes, one day they will move out and my life will feel empty. But it’s just to make room for the other little miracles yet to come. They will grow up and have babies of their own. And I will get to enjoy those stages all over again from another perspective. And I will thank God for every second he gave me.
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Your son was screaming during the gospel reading. I couldn’t hear anything. Your daughter was banging some toy on the pew and I missed the sermon. Your toddler spilled Cheerios all over the floor. I was so distracted by your children that all I could do was glare at you. I thought it was your fault. I thought you needed to take a parenting class or be more consistent or just leave. I was wrong. I was stupid. I am sorry. That was before I had children. That was before I knew anything. Unless you have a child day-in and day-out, you cannot judge. At all. You do not know the situation. Hunger. Exhaustion. Naps. Bedtime. Parents working. Daycare. Changes. Toddlers. Babies. Phases. No. Mine. No fair. He said. She said. You DON’T know anything. I know you saw my glares because I see them too. I know you heard my exasperated sighs because I hear them too. I wish you could hear my apology. I didn’t know. It’s hard. And it’s not your fault. It’s not your children’s fault. You don’t have bad kids. You are not bad parents. I was just stupid. I was wrong. I am sorry.
Thank you for bringing your family to church every week. Thank you for being role models to childless couples. For showing them that no matter what, you put Jesus at the head of your household. That you are teaching your children how to love the Lord. Thank you for the hour that you spend wrestling your squirmy toddler. One day that toddler will be wrestling squirmy kiddos of his/her own. But because of you, Jesus will remain central in his/her life. Know that your family is always welcome. Because Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me" and not because of anything that I say. My opinion, past or present, does not matter. Only Jesus. And he loves you. He loves your children. He loves every squirmy, loud, snuggly, cheerio filled moment of your time together. I have two energetic little boys. One day they will have hyper little babies of their own. And when that day comes I can only pray that we will have taught them how to be the best fathers that we could. Until that day I am going to enlist help from all the amazing men in my life to help me raise these crazy mini men. This is their future thank you letter to all those wonderful role models.
To Daddy: Thank you for being there every day to play and wrestle with us. Thank you for being silly and not taking yourself too seriously. Thank you for being tough when I needed to get my act together. Thank you for working hard to provide for our family. Thank you for being strong in your faith. Thank you for showing me how to love and respect my future wife. Thank you for everything you do for our family. To Grandpa: Thank you for always looking at us like we are the most important people in the room. Thank you for not listening to mommy and spoiling our dinner when she wasn’t looking. Thank you for teaching us to play silly games. Thank you for loving us unconditionally no matter what. To Our Priest: Thank you for always being so welcoming to children. Thank you for encouraging our parents to continue to sit through mass even though sometimes we made it hard for them. Thank you for offering family friendly organizations and events so that we could grow in faith with other children. To Our Uncles: Thank you for showing us how to act like little boys. Thank you for teaching us how to take risks and conquer our fears even if it made mommy nervous. Thank you for teaching me to make jokes. Thank you for teasing us and helping us to learn to brush things off. To Our Godfathers: Thank you for loving the way Christ lived and loving the way Christ loved. Thank you for being willing to pray for us and guide our faith life as we grew. So you planned on having a vaginal birth? So you planned on laboring quietly in a relaxing birthing pool? So you planned on avoiding all pain meds? And it didn’t work the way you planned? You had a C-section!?!? With an epidural!?!? FAIL! You failed at birth. Now your child is doomed to a life of even more mommy failures like processed foods and screen time.
Or you made an informed medical decision to make sure that your baby entered the world in the safest possible way. Whether it was planned or an emergency C-section, it was not a failure. It was the right choice. I had a c-section during my second pregnancy. I delivered my first child vaginally and had some serious complications. It took months for my body to heal. Luckily my little angel was happy and healthy. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I had to make a choice - try again and possibly suffer even worse or have a c-section. I was advised by friends, family, and medical professionals to have a c-section. I felt like I had failed. Like I was unable to do the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do. I was devastated. My second pregnancy progressed very similarly to the first and I went into labor naturally two weeks early. As I entered the hospital I was still debating my choice. I knew what I would be risking and I decided that my baby needed my body to be as healthy as possible. And that meant I needed a C-section. The recovery was 2 weeks vs 2 months. Granted, I couldn’t lift my toddler for several weeks but it was still much much easier than the first time. And my son was delivered safe and healthy. I did not fail. I made a choice for the benefit of my family. And it was the right choice. My boys are very close together. It has always been my hope that they grow up as friends as well as brothers. For the majority of their short lives they have played next to each other and with me. I have been their best friend. They acknowledged that the other was there but had no interest in playing together. Hugs and kisses were forced and awkward. Until the day when they realized there was someone other than mom who wanted to play.
I love playing with them but watching them play together is wonderful. The giggles. The screams. The sound of chasing feet. It doesn’t bother me that they now choose each other over me. Granted they still love mommy time but they are each other’s best friend. The first words out of their mouth in the morning are “where is brother?" I won’t always be around to be their play partner. They need someone who loves them as much as a mother does. Someone who cares for them and stands up for them and walks with them through life. That is why I have never been so happy to be ignored by my children. They are fostering a friendship that will benefit them for their entire lives. I am a people pleaser. I hate it when there is conflict in my life. I usually try to bend over backwards to make sure that no one is upset with me, my friends, or my family. However, I became a mom and then became a mom again shortly thereafter. And my people pleasing personality took a hit. I was tired. I was cranky. I was lonely. I was hungry. I was scared that I was going to make some small mistake that would be detrimental to my children. I became hyper vigilant and narrow focused. I am still learning how to be a mom and have a life outside of those little people. But I have determined that there are some thing that I do that may seem inconsiderate but are just me being mom. That I don’t need to fret and worry that someone will be mad because I engaged in one of these “inconsiderate behaviors”.
1. Blocking Your Parking Spot When it is 90 degrees outside and I am wrangling two tiny badger-like toddlers into carseats, I have the right-of-way. I have received many glares from fellow shoppers waiting for a parking spot. I am sorry that you have to wait an extra few minutes to get your groceries or iced latte. However, I am not going to close the car door and hot box my children so you can park. I am going to take as much time as I need to safely buckle my children in the car. 2. Screening calls You know who you are. You are the friend/relative who can’t have a conversation that lasts less than 30 minutes. Sometimes, I don’t have time to talk to you. You don’t take the “subtle” hint that I have to go. You don’t even respond to the screaming toddlers or my direct comment that I need to go. You keep talking. Therefore, sometimes I don’t answer. I want to give you as much attention as I can, so I wait to answer until I have time to talk to you. 3. Not returning calls I don’t mean to forget to call you back. I just have a lot on my mind. I have about 30 seconds of free time during the day and I usually use that to pee. I promise that I want to call you back. I am not trying to be rude. It just slipped my mind. 4. Texting rather than calling And if I do remember to call you back, I am probably going to send a text. Texting is so much easier as a mom. I can send a text in a few seconds and get back to feeding/washing/playing/cleaning/etc. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. It’s just, again, the best way to give you the attention that you deserve. If I called you, you would not have my full attention. When you text me back, I can read it and fully think about what you said. 5. Happy hour I want to go to happy hour with you. I want to socialize. I would love to be a functioning adult that eats and drinks and dances with other adults. However, I am asleep by 9:00 every night. Yes, every night including the weekend. It’s not sad. It’s necessary. I am awakened by 6:00 every morning and several times in the night. In order to function, I need to sleep. I also need to feed my children dinner and put them to bed at a decent hour. I could get a babysitter and I do sometimes, but it’s just not going to happen every week. 6. Leaving early When I do go out, I will likely leave earlier than the childless people. It’s not that I’m having a terrible time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your company. No. It’s for three different reasons. Number one…I’m tired. I have expended all of my evening energy on adult conversation and I still have to get up in the middle of the night to feed babies and shoo monsters out of closets. Number two…I have probably used up all of my interesting adult stories. And you may not want to hear about Thomas the Train, blow-outs, or play dates. Number three…I like saying goodnight to my children. I like tucking them in. I want to snuggle them. I want to kiss them and read them a bedtime story. They are only little for awhile and I want to experience it all. 7. Travel The road goes both ways. Childless people have an easier time traveling. It’s a fact. If you want to see me or my family, sometimes you need to come see me. I should not be expected to always drive to see you. It is an all day event to pack a car full of diapers, toys, children, wipes, snacks, etc. and drive (even an hour or two) to visit someone. I have to plan around meals and naps. Then, if by some chance, my children don’t nap well in the car, they will be very very grumpy at YOUR house. And I will spend the entire visit making sure that they do not break any of your nick-nacks and nice decorations (which are definitely displayed because you don’t have children). |
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AuthorI am a writer, a crafter, a DIYer, a mom, wife, a daughter, a professional, and whatever I decide to be tomorrow. While I spend most of the day being called mama, I am much more than that. Archives
June 2018
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