A rainbow. A special gift from God. A personal revelation that God keeps his promises, that God is sovereign, that God loves us. They are the calm after a storm. Rainbows are beautiful, but they are fleeting. They only last for moments. That is why I hold my rainbow. The storm. About a year ago, my husband and I were graced with another child. We saw the positive pregnancy test and were elated. Our family was growing. Our little boys were convinced they were going to have a baby sister. We talked about how amazing it would be to meet our newest little blessing. However, we never did. We lost our third child around 14 weeks gestation. Our home was filled with devastation. My husband and I mourned our loss with our two older children. I cannot describe the pain that comes with losing a child. It is something I would not wish on my worse enemy. My rainbow. God blessed us with another child just several months after our loss. We were overjoyed, yet terrified. A miscarriage stays with you. Thankfully, our little girl thrived. She was born healthy and happy almost a year to the day of the loss of our third child. She is our rainbow baby. Rainbow baby is a coined term for a baby born after a miscarriage. The calm and beauty after a storm. With our first two children, I listened to the "expert" opinions. They told me that my sons needed to get used to sleeping by themselves. That they needed to get used to time without mommy. I laid them down for naps in their beds. I cherished the snuggles with them, but also tried to make sure that they learned to sleep on their own. With our daughter, I cannot bring myself to lay her down sometimes. It takes several tries to let go. Losing our third child made me realize that this time with my newborn is a blessing. I was never able to snuggle our third because she was gone too soon. I see my older two children becoming little boys who don’t want to snuggle with mommy anymore. I understand that my baby will eventually be gone. She will turn into an independent toddler, a little girl, a preteen, a teenager, and finally an adult. I have lost three babies. Two are alive in memories and glimpses of their baby-selves within their growing faces. One is alive in Heaven. My daughter will only be this little for moments. She is a rainbow. A fleeting picture of God’s love for me. I will hold her and cherish her sweet baby smell as long as I can. So when someone tells me to put my daughter down, I will smile but many times say no. I will hold my rainbow while she is still little. And love every minute.
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AuthorI am a writer, a crafter, a DIYer, a mom, wife, a daughter, a professional, and whatever I decide to be tomorrow. While I spend most of the day being called mama, I am much more than that. Archives
June 2018
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